May 17, 2012 at 12:43am
“The Killing” by Jeremy Glass
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
SARAH LINDEN and STEPHEN HOLDER drink huge bowls of coffee
STEPHEN: You know what I love about Seattle?
SARAH: If you say ’the coffee’ so help me god, I’ll reach across this table and jam my cell phone down your throat so hard, you’ll be pooping batteries for the rest of your life.
Stephen drinks down her entire bowl of coffee in silence.
STEPHEN: I was just trying to make some conversation, you know, to get our minds off that killing.
SARAH: Not even a big deal, because it’s like: what’s more fun than leaving behind your husband and son for the Pacific Northwest, where everything IS SOAKING WET 365 DAYS A YEAR.
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March 19, 2012 at 1:04pm
“The Vampire Diaries” by Natasha Ochshorn
EXT - “THE WOODS” AT NIGHT
A shirtless young man is walking around, looking plaintively at the trees.
ELENA (VO): I am open to the night. I am scared of being, and yet my being is not scared. They say there are things that crawl in the night, but I have not seen them. I am sheltered. I am free.
CUT TO EXT – SCHOOL COURTYARD
Elena is sitting on top of a lunch table writing in her diary. Bonnie slides in next to her, interrupting her writing.
BONNIE: Why’re you always writing in that thing?
ELENA: Why do people always ask that question in movies?
BONNIE: Ugh, you’re so weird. Everyone knows teenagers hate introspection and angst.
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February 26, 2012 at 9:21pm
Liveblogging The Oscars without actually watching them
Hi, I’m Sean. I’m not watching The Oscars, but this is what I think of them.
9:19PM: That dress looks hideous on Billy Crystal.
9:25PM: Oh look, Sacha Baron Cohen is in character.
9:27PM: Hmm, I didn’t know His Holiness the Dalai Lama worked on lighting design.
9:30PM: Oh look, Rooney Mara is in character.
9:32PM: Doritos commercial, I agree, Doritos are a quality product.
9:36PM: Hmm, I thought Angelina Jolie was just an urban legend.
9:40PM: Where’s Dax Shepard?
9:41PM: Oh, there he is.
9:42PM: I’m disappointed with these results, the Academy is a sham!
9:45PM: Congrats, Dean Pelton!
9:47PM: I hope Chris Cooper is alright, that looked like a pretty serious stroke, and he’s one of my favorite actors. My prayers are with with him and his family.
9:49PM: I thought bestiality was still illegal in California?
9:52PM: Jesus, that was a long fucking speech.
9:55PM: Whitney Houston died this year?
9:58PM: Hugo? More like Hugoes to see that in the theater, am I right?
9:59PM: I saw Hugo in the theater.
10:00PM: How long is this thing anyway?
10:05PM: Yo, David Fincher, remember when you made Panic Room? That was pretty cool.
10:09PM: Ugh, Heath Ledger only won because he died. Lame!
10:11PM: Why didn’t Breaking Bad get nominated for anything?
10:13PM: OK, I can’t even watch this boring shit in my own goddamn imagination anymore. I don’t even have a punchline for you. Good night everyone.
February 7, 2012 at 11:05pm
“Game of Thrones” by Sean Morrow
EXT. VAGUELY MEDIEVAL VILLAGE
EDDARD STARK is proclaiming to a TOPLESS WENCH.
EDDARD STARK: Winter is coming.
TOPLESS WENCH: Oh my. I hope the old Gods will protect us.
EDDARD STARK: Nothing can protect us… Winter is coming. Bring in the man to be executed!
TWO GUARDS bring in PEASANT. The guards violently sever his head. Blood spurts out of his neck artery all over Topless Wench’s VOLUPTUOUS BREASTS.
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January 14, 2012 at 11:13pm
“Dexter” by Natasha Ochshorn
DEXTER walks up to his friends MARIA and ANGEL, both of whom are law enforcement officers, at a crime scene.
DEXTER: Hey guys, how’s it going with that routine serial killing?
ANGEL: Why? Did your corn flakes try to choke you this morning? Get it? Cereal?
MARIA: Dexter, you don’t look so good.
DEXTER: It’s nothing. You guys know about my interest in serial murders!
ANGEL: You know, I’ve never put it together before!
MARIA: Hey, you’ve got some blood on your face.
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January 11, 2012 at 12:04pm
“The Big Bang Theory” by Greg Fox
LAWYER: I’m sorry Mr. Cooper- not only is there very little evidence to suggest that you composed Brian Eno’s Another Green World, but there’s also copious evidence that the writing, recording, and release of the album all predate your birth by several years.
SHELDON: But dammit, man, do I have a case?
LAWYER: I’m sorry. I’ll have to ask you leave, right after I fire whoever let you in.
BRIAN ENO casually pops his head into the room.
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December 29, 2011 at 11:31am
“Glee” by Sean Morrow
RACHEL (CONTINUED): and sequins!
FINN: We can’t use sequins. We used sequins for the last show!
RACHEL: But, sequins!
FINN: I’m thinking feathers.
RACHEL: You are the worst human being to ever walk on the face of this planet! This is the most important issue that could possibly grace us, do you not understand the importance of our outfits? Fashion and glamour are the glue of mankind, the very substance of our universe!
FINN: I agree, and that’s why we should wear feathers.
RACHEL: I can’t handle this anymore! The suffering!
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December 28, 2011 at 3:26pm
“Lost” by Christopher Donahue
EXT. - ISLAND - DAY
A plane crashes into the sand. There are a lot of big bangs and a lot of smoke. HURLEY, a big curly haired guy, emerges from the plane. He looks confused. SAWYER then emerges from the plane. He is a guy too. His hair is less curly and he is smaller than Hurley.
HURLEY: Sawyer, what happened?
SAWYER: I don’t know Hurley. The last thing I remember we…
A loud scream is heard from the woods and some other noises, like a growl or something.
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January 16, 2011 at 3:21pm
“Hi” by Sean Morrow
Before absorbing a piece of media, we already have a preconceived notion of what the work will be like, be it positive or negative.
No one of our generation watches Star Wars for the first time without knowing that Mr. Vader is the father of Luke Skywalker, and many people would begin James Joyce’s Ulysses with the idea that they’re about to trek through a symbolically dense book on the metaphysics of handjobs.
Likewise, there are many TV shows that I’ve never actually seen, but that I feel I have a general understanding of. This understanding is derived from the way the public, (and the program’s marketing) depict the show. Commercials, reviews, fireside chats, all contribute to one’s perception of a TV show.
I thought an interesting experiment would be to see what people come up with when asked, “could you write a one page excerpt from a spec script for a TV show you have never seen before?” My general guideline is that the page can be from anywhere in the script, even in the middle of a scene, or beginning in the middle of a piece of dialogue. The only information you’re allowed to research is character names and the actors that play them-that’s it, otherwise, you have to rely on the program’s standing in our current zeitgeist.
If you’re interested in submitting something, please feel free to contact me at snmrrw at gmail dot com
To conclude, I’d like to quote Carl Jung, in a brief summation on his views of the collective unconscious. The parenthesis are my own additions, but it would be pretty sick if they weren’t.
“In addition to our immediate consciousness (here, the gross total of media personally absorbed), which is of a thoroughly personal nature and which we believe to be the only empirical psyche, there exists a second psychic system of a collective, universal, and impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals (entertainment blogs, opinionated friends who like to talk about TV, and sketch comedy.)”
